Megan Fox is a Whore (in this movie).

So last night I watched Jonah Hex. Never having read the comics and only being aware that Jonah Hex was a cowboy with an ugly face, I didn't have that annoying fan-boy moment that I usually have in comic book movies where I go "That's not how that goes! In issue blah blah blah...," which was kind of nice. That's basically how I would describe the movie, as well. Kind of nice to watch. Kinda. The story was pretty bad, It consisted of Jonah Hex (a bounty hunter who was a confederate soldier in the Civil War) trying to stop his old general (played by John Malkovitch), who had become a terrorist and a Weapon of Mass Destruction. I shit you not. This movie takes place six years after the civil war, or something like that, and they still worked in WMD's and terrorists. There was even a part where the president said that the Mexicans used to call Turnbull (Malkovitch) "la Terrorista." Fml.

The WMD was the stupidest thing ever, too. It was a cannon with a bunch of rotating barrels like a gatling gun, so it would fire off a bunch of regular looking cannon balls, then it would fire off what looked like Dragonball, which would explode and then make all the other cannonballs explode too, even though it was nowhere near them. And of course, it would make a mushroom cloud. My question is this, though. If John Malkovitch's character had all the Dragonballs, why didn't he just wish for ultimate power, instead of trying to shoot them from a cannon on Independence day, which gave Jonah Hex and his girlfriend (who was a whore, appropriately played by Megan Fox) to stop him? Seriously. One wish and he could have Kamehameha'd the shit out of everybody, and that I would have really enjoyed seeing.

Oh yeah, and Will Arnet was in it too, which was weird. They kind of set him up like he was going to be a semi-important character in the movie, and then we never see him again. What?

In conclusion, if you want to shut your brain off and watch a cowboy blow shit up with little crossbows that shoot dynamite, then this movie will satisfy. Just don't think about how the dynamite wouldn't have the smooth flight they have in the movie, because they have no fletching and aren't aerodynamic at all... and don't think about all the rest of the story too, I guess... It was pretty bad... If you see it on TV, or just don't have to pay money to see it, then you might want to do so. I mean, when have action movies really ever had a solid plot anyways?

Late Nights with Stu, part... something or other.. 4 maybe?

Today I watched a bunch of Sesame Street videos. If I ever become famous, I think I would Like to be on Sesame Street. I reccomend you all watch some right now. Go to Youtube, and watch Patrick Stewart tell the number one to "Make it So!" Here, I'll even Link it for you, so you don't have to search for it yourself. Here you go! While you're there make sure to check out the 'B or not a B' soliliquy. Funny stuff.

I've jsut now realized that I am too tired to finish this. Sorry, gang, I'll try to think of something funny to say for the next post, but until then, Welcome to Earf! *punches alien in its stupid alien face*

Oh wait! That was premature! Also look at this!



That's our snake Francis eating. Gross, huh? anyhoo...

Robots and Farms.

I wish I owned a copy of Harvest Moon. I always got pretty bored with it, but I would like to give it another shot, now that I'm older. For those who don't know what it is, allow me to explain. It's a video game. Explained! The point of this game is (as Lance said in his Vlog, and I think is the most apt description of the game I have ever heard) to run around and farm and try to make a girl fall in love with you. I don't really remember it that well, but I know people who would play for hours on end.

You should check out Lance's YouTube channel, by the way. He's a funny Canadian dude living in Japan, although he keeps wearing these douchey sunglasses. Japanananananan.

Another game I'd really like to play again is Megaman 64 (or Megaman Legends, if you play the Playstation version)This game was pretty big departure from previous (and later) Megaman game, as it is a 3D platformer, rather than a side scroller, and focuses mainly on treasure hunting and dungeon exploration, rather than defeating elemental themed bad guys and stealing their powers. In this game, you need to find bits of junk that your sister Roll will turn into items and upgrades for you. All in all a really fun little game, with humour, puzzles and action. I highly recommend it. You can even turn Megaman black by doing bad things! How cool is that? check it out, lamerz. In fact, you should probably just go and play every Megaman game, cuz they are all pretty rad.



Until next time, dear readers, get the hell off my lawn.

My Fair Turtle.

Ahem. Cough cough.

I am really not good at posting regularly. I expect it has something to do with every day being virtually the same: get up, peruse the interwebz for funny stuff and jobs, play video games, eat, sleep, and repeat. there is very little interpersonal contact, so some part of my brain is not being properly stimulated. No, I don't know which part! Do I look like some kind of brain doctor to you? Of course not.

I should really start leading into these things with my intended topic, because I keep forgetting what they are. I expect it was either something funny, or something geeky. Balls if I can remember, though.



I miss the Ninja Turtles. sure, I have the show on dvd, and numerous action figures, and comics and all that, but i really miss the excitement I felt as a kid when it came on, and I always knew when it was on, despite not being able to tell time. I remember sitting in front of my TV, eagerly awaiting the end of the credits for "Days of our Lives," which then I knew as "the hourglass show;" due to the hourglass that spins while the words crawl across the screen. i remember singing along to the theme song quite clearly too, although I'm sure that I had the lyrics wrong. Whatever. It was good enough for me. Nothing else ever got me as excited as the Turtles, and to this day, nothing ever really has. This may sound silly, but the Ninja Turtles mean more to me than most people. It goes: Girlfriend, select family and friends, Ninja Turtles, everyone else.



Now, I have many action figures, (which I think are super cool, and if you disagree, then, well, I don't really care to know you) but the ones I'm really proud of are my Turtles. I will take those with me to the grave. Move over Spidey, 'cause the Turtles need more shelf space, biatch! See? I'll even call Spider-Man a "biatch," thats how cool I think the Turtles are.

So, last year I bought a plush Donatello from the Value Village where I worked and the cashier asked me why I was buying it, I responded with something along the lines of "I collect toys, especially Ninja Turtles," (although I may not have said the Turtles Part out loud)to which she replied "That's embarrassing." Suffice to to say I was highly offended, not just because it means that she thought my hobby, and thus a large part of who I am was an embarrassment, but because it felt like an attack on some of my warmest childhood memories. Let it be noted however, that I harbor no ill -will towards the maker of that comment. She could not have possibly known why I like Ninja Turtles so much, or what they mean to me.



Anyways, this was rather personal post, wasn't it? Neat-o. I'm gonna watch me some TMNT. The Polls seem to be working again, so vote for your favorite Ninja Turtle! Hooray! Now get offa my lawn!

This Quest is too hard...

I've always wanted to be famous. And rich. Ever since I was a little kid. The means by which I've wanted to accomplish this have changed from time to time (Rock star, actor, writer, filmmaker, etc.), but the desire has been there for a very, very long time.

Turns out, it's pretty damn hard to do, especially when you are as lazy as I am.

Speaking of being lazy (if you thought this post was going to be a rant on how hard it is to get famous, then HA HA! I fooled you.) I did nothing this week. I know, what a surprise, right? Well, laugh it up, Fuzzballs, 'cuz that's all going to change starting right Meow. That's right, you heard it here first, suckas. Starting tomorrow, September 26 2010, at whatever time I roll out of bed (probably between 11:00 and Noon), I, Stuart Reginald Phoenix (my middle name is not "Reginald"), am going to start doing... Stuff!

Shock! Amaze! Cardiac Arrest!

I'll start slow. You know, baby steps and all that. I intend to leave my apartment at least once a day! No, no. There's no need to applaud, I just think think the world could use a little more exposure to me. I've been depriving the good people of Vancouver my presence, and for that I apologize, but it's one of those really insincere apologies where you can totally tell I'm just doing it to be polite.

Oh, hey! I just thought of a joke! I'm so lazy, if i were a Pokemon, I'd be a Snorlax! HAH!

Shut up...

Speaking of Pokemon, check out this hilarious (at least, I thought so) fan trailer for a [fake] live-action Pokemon Movie!

More Zelda, Pls.

So after my previous post, I decided to re-play Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time. It is many times easier than I remembered it being, and, in a way, I am a little disappointed. I'm still having a blast though, mainly because I am endlessly amused by the fact that I still remember many of the songs. As much fun as I am having, however, the two main problems with the game have have reared their ugly heads and have already begun to annoy the hell out of me.

The first is, of course, Navi, Link's little fairy companion who says "hey!" and "Hey! Listen!" throughout the entire fucking game, only to give you completely useless information when you actually do bother to talk to her. Not really a problem, I guess, just annoying as all hell.

The second Problem is the lack of control over the camera. I just want to be able to rotate the camera so can see what the hell I'm doing. that's all. Nothing major, but there are just times when it would mean the difference between life and death.

Still an awesome game though; until recently it was the only Zelda game I had ever beaten. I have since beaten Twilight Princess, which was a lot of fun. I might even like it more than I like Ocarina.

You know what creeps me out though? the Great Fairies in Ocarina. They are absolutely terrifying. I've had nightmares, seriously. Their creepy laughter when you summon them, the sparkles that fly out of the vaginas when they give you powers... Stuff of horror, I tells ya.



See? See? Nightmares! Guaaaaaah!

Interesting Title

Remember those cookies I was talking about? They were awesome. You should be jealous, that's how good they were.

Moving on...

Here's something that has been bugging the hell out of me lately. Have you noticed that lately fewer and fewer movies seem to be coming out that are actually fairly original ideas? They all seem to be remakes of tv shows from the 80's, or based on a book, or a comic, or a remake of an original movie, or SOMETHING. Now, I'm sure that now that I've said this you are all thinking of a bajillion movies to throw at me that are nice original storyline with unique characters, however, the ones that are advertised relentlessly, the ones I see the most? Such is not the case, friends, and I don't know why, but I find it very unsettling, as though all the originality in movies is dying out. I mean, I know movies have been made based on books and what-not since, well, since they started making movies... I dunno. Just something I've noticed.

Speaking of movies being based on stuff, check out this trailer the folks at IGN.com put together for a fake Legend of Zelda movie. It looks amazing. Someone needs to convince Nintendo that this movie would make huge amounts of dollarz. Check it out here.

Well, that's all I got for now. However, I would like to know who you think would make a good Link, or Zelda, or Gannondorf if they were to do a movie. And if you don't know who those characters are, then you probably have no reason to be reading this, and might not have any reason for being my friend.


Until next time, Get offa my lawn, you damn kids!

Oops!

Soooo... I kinda forgot about my blog. That's my bad, Faithful Reader(s). However, I'm back, and still unemployed! Hooray! so what happened this month? Funny you should ask that, because I planned on telling you anyway. So... what happened...

Not a lot, really. Surprise!

I made cookies tonight, which turned out awesome. Peanut butter oatmeal, bitches! I have no cookie sheet (we accidentally melted plastic onto our last one) so I had to build one out of tin foil. I rolled the sides up to make it a little stiffer and everything. Fear my improvisational kitchen wizardry! Muahaha! Soon all shall cower before my Tin Foil cookie sheet... OF DOOM!

So, there hasn't really been anything going on lately. I've recently become addicted to a game called Robot Unicorn Attack . I think the name itself will tell you how awesome it is. So far my high score is 71,200, and I haven't come close to beating it. You guys should play it, because it is probably the most awesome thing since awesome was invented. Yeah.

Other than that, nothing really new going on in my life. Amanda goes to Vegas tomorrow, which will suck because then I'll be all by my self until Sunday. Yeah, I'm that selfish. On the plus side, I'll get her bus pass while she's gone, so I'll be able to do stuff, or junk, or whatever.

I've also inked a couple of pictures, which I haven't done for months. We ran out of ink for our printer, so I couldn't print any new stuff out. It was all very unfortunate. Check it out!

It's Spawn! he's so zany, with his living costume and being a dead guy and all that. Pencils by Ric.


Megaman! Megaman is probably one of my favorite video game characters. Who wouldn't love a guy who's fist turns into a big ass gun and can steal defeated enemies powers? I don't know who drew this, it was on some forum where people don't have real names.

Until next time, get outta my corn field!

In my little apartment.

In my little apartment I sit,
Tracing over lines that someone else drew.
I have little talent of my own;
I can draw a pretty mean stick-ninja,
and on occasion I can say something clever.
I know plenty of facts about things that, while interesting,
are of little use to anyone.

I can pose an action figure;
I can mix Iced Tea.
I can even organize my comic books alphabetically
by publisher, author and title.
I have an uncanny ability to tell a bad joke
at the most inappropriate times; many of which
are in delightfully poor taste.

In my little apartment I sit,
with my head planted firmly on the desk,
hands tightly grasping my hair
(which is quite thick and lustrous, by the way)
while my brain stews in it's thick and savory sauce.
It could use a dash of salt, and maybe some chili powder.

Bananaman Moves Forward.

Sorry for the infrequency of posts, Scooby Gang. I've been busy/lazy/hungry/coupla' other things.

Let's get the cool stuff out of the way first. we have had two days of shooting for Bananaman, and it looks totally adequate! Hooray! That is a lot better than terrible! Actually, it looks pretty good. We're about halfway through the script, and the rest should be a cakewalk. I hope. We decided to make it black and white, because it makes the lighting look better film look artsier. I'm pretty excited to see what how the rest of the shoot goes. One thing I learned: that banana suit is warm. Like, crazy warm. You could use that thing for a sleeping bag when you camping in March kind of warm. The things I do for my art. Speaking of things I do, the shoot yesterday made my mouth taste like styrofoam. I won't tell you why though, you'll just have to see the flick; coming to a Film Festival near you! And if it isn't, well then, send me money and I'll send you a DVD, maybe.


Man, I totally had more stuff to talk about tonight, but I can't remember what they were. I got so caught up in talking about Bananaman and learning how to do this that I totally forgot. Ah well.

Until next time, Welcome to Earf!

Damnit, Google.

Sorry gang, it looks like Google broke their Polling code when they did a new release a month or so ago, so for now, I'm going to take the poll down. hopefully this gets resolved soon.

The All New, All Different X-Men...er... Stu's Blog!!

Well hello again, Internet! Nice to see you again! Have a seat! Are you hungry? Have you eaten? I could rustle up a quiche...

I've added some gizmos to my blog, because... I could really. No other reason.

The first gizmo is the least interesting. I've added a search bar, so you can search for stuff I've talked about in the past without having to go through all the posts! Convenient, yeah?

The second is only slightly more interesting. At the bottom of each post, I've added a thingie-majigger so you can share my posts with your friends on Facebook or Twitter or whatever. Cool huh? This means you should start sharing my stuff, because the more people read this blog, the cooler I will feel. And also, a fairy gets it's fairy dust whenever someone reads it, so lets get those fairies dusted, alright?

that sounds like I put a hit out on fairies or something, but I assure you, that is not what I meant.

The third (and coolest) gizmo I have added is by far my favorite. I added a Poll! I'm going to try to think of a new question every week, and I welcome your ideas.

That's all for now kids. Now go away, I'm readin' "Super Fudge!"

Late Nights With Stu. (Third in an ongoing series)

It is almost two o'clock in the A.M. and i have just finished watching the Star Trek movie that came out last year. I really dig it. But enough about me. Why don't you tell me a bit about yourself? Uh-huh... Really?

I'm not interested.

So lately I've been trying to figure out which area of my body is the most uncomfortable when it sweats, and I'm thinking that it just might be the back of my knees. I dunno, I'm probably just saying that because they are currently sweaty and I'm not enjoying it. I'm sure there are places on my body that are even more uncomfortable when I sweat, but right now all I can think about is how gross this feels right now.

Now aren't you glad I wasn't interested in what you had to say, so I could share that tasty tidbit with you? Don't answer, your silence is thanks enough. And also, orange you glad I didn't say banana? Ha HA! Its funny! this is the part where you laugh at my ridiculous Internet antics! Good times...

Speaking of bananas... They are delicious. Eat some and grow strong from their potassium-y goodness. Like Bananaman would. Check him out.


Yes, kiddies, it is true. I was not the first person to realize that "Bananaman" sounds funny, nor will I be the last. It was actually a cartoon in the eighties, based on a British cartoon strip, and it's five minute episodes were shown alongside the likes Dangermouse. It is chock full of what we expect from kids cartoons in the eighties: silliness, bad animation, and awful jokes. Now, I realize that "awful jokes" kind of falls under the umbrella of "silliness," but eighties cartoons generally had enough bad jokes to warrant it's own category. Deal with it.

You can find episodes of Bananaman on youtube, and they are totally worth it. I know I laughed. Also, a little fun fact for youse guys: If you google "Bananaman Teaser" the first video to pop up has me in it. Bananaman (my version). This is it. Tell your friends.